Prodiginestitatiolosity

Jay Greenberg is a 15 year old kid, but don't call him a normal teenager. Jay is a musical child prodigy. Currently studying at Juilliard, Jay started playing the oboe at age two, has now composed over 100 works, and had written five symphonies by the age of twelve. When talking about music, Jay says that he constantly hears music in his head and it's all he can do to get it written out fast enough, his gift is truly inspirational.

I can relate, though from a slightly different perspective. That's right, I'm a mathematical genius. True there are a few differences between my and Jay's prodiginosity (technically the term is "prodigiousness", but one of my other talents is making up words that sound like they could be real); his gift is artistic while mine is scientific, his gift is practically constant while mine is relatively fleeting, and his gift is extremely impressive while mine is... well, completely fabricated. But all differences aside, I think Jay and I are kindred spirits.

I came to this realization yesterday while Erin and I were driving to church. Aeriana is not a big fan of car rides and will stop crying only under the perfect circumstances. If we're driving at a decent speed, if there are sufficient bumps in the road to give her a soothing massage, and if we are listening to piano music (especially Jon Schmidt) then she's happy. But if the music stops, if we listen to something besides piano music, or if the car slows down she will let us know in varying degrees how unhappy she is at the change. Erin and I were laughing pretty hard yesterday because she'd be quiet and happy until we hit a red light, then the wailing began; as soon as we started driving again she'd calm right down; it was like there was a switch turning her cries on and off.

My prodigious mathematical inspiration struck me at one particular point in the drive, Aeriana had been up and down in her mood but right then we came to a red light at the exact same time a song on the CD was ending, so the car was stationary and completely silent. But not for long. Aeriana's wails almost instantly became louder than they'd been at any time during the rest of the car ride. I realized that there must be a mathematical equation that could explain the volume of her cries based on the environmental variabilities. And so I present to you the fruits of my utter genius.


The Deaf Man's Theorum

(V * 10 – (B * 2) + M) = dB

Where V relates to the velocity of the car:

- If velocity is 0-10 mph then V = 2
- If velocity is 10-50 mph then V = 1
- If velocity is > 50 mph then V = 0

Where B is the number of discernible bumps in the road per quarter-minute ranging from 0-15; bumps per period shown as "bpp"

Where M relates to the type of music playing:

- If music is off then M = 110
- If music is rock/pop then M = 70
- If music is instrumental/classical then M = 50
- If music is piano solo then M = 35

Where dB is the decibel level of Aeriana’s cries on the way to church


Decibel Level Reference:

0 dB = a mosquito ten feet away
5 dB = Aeriana at 60 mph, 15 bpp, listening to piano music
13 dB = the hum of a light bulb
40 dB = whispering
60 dB = normal conversation
72 dB = Aeriana at 30 mph, 4 bpp, listening to rock music
85 dB = beginning of hearing damage
128 dB = human head hair can begin feeling sound vibrations
130 dB = Aeriana at 0 mph, 0 bpp, with music off
133 dB = gunshot at ear level
149 dB = human lungs and breathing begin vibrating with the sound
165 dB = jet airplane
190 dB = human ear drum ruptures
202 dB = human death

Labels: Aeriana, Erin, family, music

posted by Brett at 12:10 PM